There’s no better way of celebrating a recent 6 kilo weight loss than with the following conversation. Picture me leaving a gig at a straight nightclub, and running into a particularly blokey punter out the front….

Punter : Hey dj, where ya going?
Seb : Home, I’ve finished for the night.
Punter : What do ya mean going home?
Seb : I’m going, as in leaving here, and going to my house, as in my home.
Punter : Who’s playing now?
Seb : Den is on till five.
Punter : Where’s Simon?
Seb : He doesn’t play Thursdays. He does the weekends.
Punter : He doesn’t play Thursdays? What do you mean he “doesn’t play” Thursdays?
Seb : He doesn’t play here, as in…he just doesn’t.
Punter : How come?
Seb : It’s a different night. Different promoters.
Punter : Different what?
Seb : Promoters. The people who run the night. They’re different.
Punter : Well what sort of night is it then?
Seb (cautiously) : An alternative night.
Punter : It’s not alternative. They don’t play alternative music.
Seb : Mate, it’s not a regular night. It’s a different crowd.
Punter : What do you mean different?
Seb : It’s a gay night.
Punter : A bloody gay night? No.
Seb : Yeah.
Punter : They’re all poofters up there?
Seb : Yeah.
Punter : But you’re not a poofter.
Seb : I am, actually.
Punter : You don’t bloody dress like one.
Seb : (somewhat proudly) I know, but there’s not…..
Punter : You don’t sound like one either.
Seb : (even more proudly) I know, but you shouldn’t…..
Punter : And they’re not fat like you. They’re all skinny blokes.

*sigh*

Dj Tim B : When I was fifteen I snuck into ‘Trade’ and went up to the dj box to watch you do your thing.  Watching you inspired me – that was the moment I knew I wanted to be a dj too.

Me : Awwww.

Dj Tim B : And I’ll never forget the first words you said to me….they stay with me to this day.

Me (proudly) : What was that?

Dj Tim B : “Fuck off, you can’t be up here”.

Me: Oh.

So, being a dj and needing to play up to twenty hours of music a week to the disco lovin’ masses, I’m constantly on the search for new tunes to spin. The majority of them I buy online, some I get as promos from record companies and the rest I get from friends overseas who send new tracks directly to my inbox.

So, in one week you can have up to thirty or forty new tunes. The hard part is listening to all of them, and committing them to memory so when you’re at your gig you know which new track is which and what you can mix it with. The need to learn tracks forwards, backwards and inside out was never more important than the night that I played a fab little ditty called “I Wanna Rock U” for the first time.

“I Wanna Rock U” is a funky, electro tinged tune produced by sonic master Giorgio Moroder (of Donna Summer’s ‘I Feel Love’ fame). It was sent to me by my friend Ryan in the UK, along with some other tracks he thought I might get all tingly and excited about. Because he’d sent me a few and I was playing that night, I skimmed though them by listening to the intro, a bit of the middle, and finally the outro. Just enough to get the feel of it and know where the mix points were. Of all the tracks he’d sent me, “I Wanna Rock U” was my favourite. It was chunky, had a great bassline and featured an unnamed black diva belting out some serious action in the breakdown. Perfect for playing at a gay club.

As luck would have it, that night’s gig was at a gay club, so I packed it in my box of chunky disco tunes and ventured off to work.

As the club filled up, I got the dancefloor going with a few choice cuts, and when things were really starting to take off, I decided it was time to unleash “I Wanna Rock U”. I mixed it in and watched as people bounced up and down enthusiastically to it’s pounding rhythms. The dancefloor was soon overflowing as the bass hit it’s peak and slammed into the song’s breakdown. This was the first time I’d heard it on a big system, and I was loving it.

Then came the vocals.

“There’s only one – He’s the one to keep you safe……”, screamed the diva as I grooved on the spot, listening to the crowd yell their approval.

“There’s only one – He can take away the booze…..”, she continued, as I tried to work out what she meant.

“There’s only one – He can take away the lighter….”, she warbled, as I began to work out that it was perhaps a gospel vocal.

“There’s only one – He can keep your lips from swearing…” she stated, as the other lighting guy gave me a quizzical look.

Then just as I was beginning to worry that the crowd would notice (hotpant wearing gay men tripping off their tits on amyl and ecstasy aren’t really big on the whole ‘don’t drink because god loves you’ thing) she stopped singing. Then the backing music stopped momentarily as she drew breath to belt out -

“AND HIS NAAAAAAAME IS JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!” at the top of her very well trained lungs.

I died on the spot. The lighting guy broke into fits of giggles as the whole room looked up at me and gasped. Even the doorman came up from downstairs to do the whole ‘what the fuck???’ hand gesture thing.

Within three seconds of miss diva rubberlungs extolling the virtues of the big J, the dancefloor had emptied, aside from three very confused looking Japanese students, who didn’t know whether to evacuate or smile for the hidden cameras.

The worst part was that if by some chance, someone hadn’t noticed the huge faux pas I’d comitted, the unknown diva on the record continued wailing… “Jesus! Jesus! He’ll be by your side! Jesus! Jesus!! Jesus!! Jeeeeesus!!! He’s great!! Jesus!! He’s such a fab dresser!! Jesus!! Jesus!! He makes great toasted sandwiches!! Jesus!! He’s the one for you!! Jesus!! He’ll save your soul!! Jesus!! Jesus! Gimme a J!!! Gimme an ESUS!! etc etc etc.

So I did the only thing I could, I quickly mixed in the next record, dropped to the floor, and hid under the console.

I now listen to all of my new tracks from start to finish, taking particular note of any biblical references.

Have your own little ‘Rock U’ moment – best experienced by having two hundred people glare at you while you press ‘play’.

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