I made a new mix for a friend for a dance piece. It features Telephone, Bad Romance, Poker Face and Just Dance with a little bit of LoveGame – all in three minutes.  It took five hours but very happy with how it turned out. Download it here.

Enjoy!

Yes, it’s your last chance to hear me play for a while – I’m taking some time off to get on top of my depression and while it’s with regret I have to do so,  it’s also a great excuse to get together with friends and play some of the tunes that have made me love being a DJ.  My amazing friends Adam Kelly and cee have been kind enough to ask me to spin at their night and I’d love to see you there.   Email me – sebsharp(at)gmail(dot)com to get $5.00 entry on the night as part of my guest list or sms me – 0450307995. Bring your dancing shoes, a smile and be prepared for a load of DJ bear hugs.

For more information about the gorgeous venue in Leederville, visit their website – www.doublelucky.com.au and check out a review and the stunning bar interior here – http://www.totalvenue.com.au/venues/lucky/lucky.html

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Cross a Seb with a music head, you get one hell of a Dj!

Seb Sharp, known better to some as the artist formerly known as DJ Kinky, has been around, as Seb would say, “long enough now to almost know better” and for longer than most would choose to admit to. Having been DJing for almost 20 years!? How old is this guy you might ask? Well… older than he looks and not as old as he should be with a bio like his. How many times have you heard, “this guy has done it all”? Well this guy truly has!

Over 20 residences in Perth’s top venues including 10 years at Connections, literally countless special events ( I mean literally you couldn’t count the amount of gigs), support for dozens of international acts, artists and Djs , including Deepswing, The Freemasons, Paul Johnson, Tiga, Freeform Five, Wayne G, Mark Moore (S-Express), Princess Julia, Tracy Young, Bushwacka!, Trentemoeller, Meat Katie, Jimmy Sommerville, Tom Middleton, Katie Underwood and Bananarama?! plus sh*t loads more. With rolls in the Perth dance community as a musical director, countless radio shows, guest presenting, hosting, reviewing and as an Executive Producer, take a breath…. Plus if that’s not enough… he’s one hell of nice guy.

With nothing but respect offered from Perth DJs when you mention Seb’s name, it is hard to say anything other than Full Circle at Double Lucky is more than proud to present…

The Pioneers of The Perth Scene:

SEB SHARP (DJ Kinky) edition

What he has in store for all of us only Seb knows, but if you have ever had the chance to hear/dance to one of his sets, you have to know you won’t stop for the 3 hrs he’s behind the decks. Having listed ‘You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)’ by Dead or Alive as the best dance record ever made, closely followed by Donna Summer’s ‘I Feel Love’ you know it’s the truth.

cee 8-9

Adam Kelly 9-10

Seb Sharp 10-1

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| For the initiated, it may be difficult to find, and we want to keep it that way.
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| Entrance off Oxford Street, Leederville via the alleyway behind Niche Bar
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| Doors open @ 7pm Djs from 8-1am
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| Dress to impress, minus attitude.
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| Avoid Door Tax. Get in early with your favourite Double Lucky DJ for door list and priority entry.

Having been single for a while, I’m beginning to yearn for some company. A least I think it’s a yearning. It’s a feeling of rampant horniness coupled with the feeling you get when you realise that there’s no one to send out in a downpour to fetch DVD’s for you while you lay on the couch in your Calvins eating toasted bagels. The acronym for the latter is T.F.Y.G.W.Y.R.T.T.N.O.T.G.O.I.A.D.A.F.D.W.Y.L.O.T.C.I.Y.C.E.T.B, so it’s probably easier for all concerned if we just call it a yearning.

The only problem with me having a yearning like this is the fact that I am a total and utter freak magnet. Yes indeed. I manage to unearth the chameleons of gay society. The good-looking, balanced, take- em-home-to-mum types who once taken out of their natural environment and placed at a table opposite me turn into serial morons.

To give you an example, all of the following have been uttered to me on a first date -

“I have to confess – I was due to move interstate the day after I met you, but I cancelled all of my plans just in case this works out..”

“Um…do you want to go to the movies after dinner? My boyfriend locked me out of the house when I told him I was seeing you.”

(whispers)”The waiter knows my wife. Tell him you’re my cousin”

“So, do you have a credit card? What’s your limit on it? Do you always carry it?”

“Oh..would you mind paying for the limo and dinner? I forgot my wallet. Happy Birthday, by the way. Um… you should really tip the waiter. Shall we go back to yours?”

(sighs) “I would have to be the world’s unluckiest man. I just can’t believe that all this shit keeps happening to me and..” (chokes on food, turns blue)

“The interesting thing about the antidepressants was that once they upped the dosage, I then felt suicidal as well as depressed…..(laughs a little bit too hard)….how ironic is that?” (starts crying)

“I only own three cd’s actually……I don’t like music much. I’m into tabletop gaming.”

“I’ve had my eye on you for a while……..So you saw (name of an ex) for two years, and then you got snapped up by (another ex), but that didn’t last long. And then you had a one night stand with (one night stand’s name)…. Do you still live on (street name)??”

“So, does my name get put on the door permanently if I tell them I’m your boyfriend?

“I’m not a racist, BUT……”

“Fat guys like you really turn me on”

Punter : Hey dj, where ya going?
Seb : Home, I’ve finished for the night.
Punter : What do ya mean going home?
Seb : I’m going, as in leaving here, and going to my house, as in my home.
Punter : Who’s playing now?
Seb : Den is on till five.
Punter : Where’s Simon?
Seb : He doesn’t play Thursdays. He does the weekends.
Punter : He doesn’t play Thursdays? What do you mean he “doesn’t play” Thursdays?
Seb : He doesn’t play here, as in…he just doesn’t.
Punter : How come?
Seb : It’s a different night. Different promoters.
Punter : Different what?
Seb : Promoters. The people who run the night. They’re different.
Punter : Well what sort of night is it then?
Seb (cautiously) : An alternative night.
Punter : It’s not alternative. They don’t play alternative music.
Seb : Mate, it’s not a regular night. It’s a different crowd.
Punter : What do you mean different?
Seb : It’s a gay night.
Punter : A bloody gay night? No.
Seb : Yeah.
Punter : They’re all poofters up there?
Seb : Yeah.
Punter : But you’re not a poofter.
Seb : I am, actually.
Punter : You don’t bloody dress like one.
Seb : (somewhat proudly) I know, but there’s not…..
Punter : You don’t sound like one either.
Seb : (even more proudly) I know, but you shouldn’t…..
Punter : And they’re not fat like you. They’re all skinny blokes.

*sigh*

Me : Awwww.

Dj Tim B : And I’ll never forget the first words you said to me….they stay with me to this day.

Me (proudly) : What was that?

Dj Tim B : “Fuck off, you can’t be up here”.

Me: Oh.

So, in one week you can have up to thirty or forty new tunes. The hard part is listening to all of them, and committing them to memory so when you’re at your gig you know which new track is which and what you can mix it with. The need to learn tracks forwards, backwards and inside out was never more important than the night that I played a fab little ditty called “I Wanna Rock U” for the first time.

“I Wanna Rock U” is a funky, electro tinged tune produced by sonic master Giorgio Moroder (of Donna Summer’s ‘I Feel Love’ fame). It was sent to me by my friend Ryan in the UK, along with some other tracks he thought I might get all tingly and excited about. Because he’d sent me a few and I was playing that night, I skimmed though them by listening to the intro, a bit of the middle, and finally the outro. Just enough to get the feel of it and know where the mix points were. Of all the tracks he’d sent me, “I Wanna Rock U” was my favourite. It was chunky, had a great bassline and featured an unnamed black diva belting out some serious action in the breakdown. Perfect for playing at a gay club.

As luck would have it, that night’s gig was at a gay club, so I packed it in my box of chunky disco tunes and ventured off to work.

As the club filled up, I got the dancefloor going with a few choice cuts, and when things were really starting to take off, I decided it was time to unleash “I Wanna Rock U”. I mixed it in and watched as people bounced up and down enthusiastically to it’s pounding rhythms. The dancefloor was soon overflowing as the bass hit it’s peak and slammed into the song’s breakdown. This was the first time I’d heard it on a big system, and I was loving it.

Then came the vocals.

“There’s only one – He’s the one to keep you safe……”, screamed the diva as I grooved on the spot, listening to the crowd yell their approval.

“There’s only one – He can take away the booze…..”, she continued, as I tried to work out what she meant.

“There’s only one – He can take away the lighter….”, she warbled, as I began to work out that it was perhaps a gospel vocal.

“There’s only one – He can keep your lips from swearing…” she stated, as the other lighting guy gave me a quizzical look.

Then just as I was beginning to worry that the crowd would notice (hotpant wearing gay men tripping off their tits on amyl and ecstasy aren’t really big on the whole ‘don’t drink because god loves you’ thing) she stopped singing. Then the backing music stopped momentarily as she drew breath to belt out -

“AND HIS NAAAAAAAME IS JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!” at the top of her very well trained lungs.

I died on the spot. The lighting guy broke into fits of giggles as the whole room looked up at me and gasped. Even the doorman came up from downstairs to do the whole ‘what the fuck???’ hand gesture thing.

Within three seconds of miss diva rubberlungs extolling the virtues of the big J, the dancefloor had emptied, aside from three very confused looking Japanese students, who didn’t know whether to evacuate or smile for the hidden cameras.

The worst part was that if by some chance, someone hadn’t noticed the huge faux pas I’d comitted, the unknown diva on the record continued wailing… “Jesus! Jesus! He’ll be by your side! Jesus! Jesus!! Jesus!! Jeeeeesus!!! He’s great!! Jesus!! He’s such a fab dresser!! Jesus!! Jesus!! He makes great toasted sandwiches!! Jesus!! He’s the one for you!! Jesus!! He’ll save your soul!! Jesus!! Jesus! Gimme a J!!! Gimme an ESUS!! etc etc etc.

So I did the only thing I could, I quickly mixed in the next record, dropped to the floor, and hid under the console.

I now listen to all of my new tracks from start to finish, taking particular note of any biblical references.

Have your own little ‘Rock U’ moment – best experienced by having two hundred people glare at you while you press ‘play’.

http://sebsharp.com/audio/rocku.mp3

So now, I present for your enjoyment, the demanding random pushy girl as I imagine her day might be.

Demanding random pushy girl wakes up at six a.m and groggily gets out of bed. After yelling at a calendar on her wall and demanding it make it Saturday immediately she storms huffily into the bathroom and showers. She decides the shower is not hot enough so she repeatedly whistles at it and gives it the ‘pump it up’ hand gesture but to no avail.

She then returns to the calendar and pokes it repeatedly with her index finger, saying “Saturday!! Now!!” before giving up and getting dressed for work. She exits the house and stands at the front kerb, wating for the bus to come. It soon does, although it stops at the actual bus stop on the opposite side of the road. She places her hands firmly on her hips and glares at the bus, yells ‘Oi!’ at it and gives it the finger. Not being a carbon based life form the bus ignores her and drives off.

Demanding random pushy girl then flounces all the way to work. Upon entering the office, she takes off her coat and throws it over a co-worker’s computer screen, before grabbing someone else’s coffee and sitting down at her desk. A few minutes pass before a co-worker comes over and asks her if she’d like to put in five dollars to help buy the Manager a birthday present. Demanding random pushy girl yells “EXCUSE ME??” before launching into a fifteen minute diatribe about how long she’s been coming there, how she knows the manager and how she’s never paid to get in anywhere in her life. Her workmate rolls her eyes and walks back to her desk, muttering.

An hour passes before random pushy girl starts sighing loudly. Another hour and she starts yelling ‘boring!’ and makes pump it up hand gestures at her co-workers. Failing to get anything other than a blank stare in response she leaves for an early lunch.

She goes to the Pizza Hut down the road, walks straight behind the counter and up to a boy who is carefully removing a pizza from an oven. She grabs his arm, and the pizza splats onto the floor.
“Oi! Burger” She says, ignoring the pepperoni supreme currently coating her shoes.
“What are you doing behind he…” begins the boy.
“BURGER!!” she bellows in his ear, still keeping a firm grasp on his right arm.
“What do you mean, BURGER?”
“I want a burger!”
“But we don’t have burgers. We’re a pizza franchise. And you’re not supposed to be…”
“No burger? NO BURGER? What kind of a fucking pizza place are you?”

Demanding random pushy girl then gives several variations on the ‘pump it up’ hand gesture before storming back to work, where she glares at her desk for not being big enough. The afternoon passes slowly before it’s finally time to leave. On a whim she decides to go and see Kill Bill Volume two.

She walks to the local cinema, barges past the usher and into a session of the new Harry Potter film. She finds a seat and spends the next half an hour turning around and yelling ‘Kill Bill!! Oi!!! Kill Bill!!” at the projectionist. Seeing no change, she gives a few ‘pump it up’ hand gestures to the cinema screen before finally giving in and going home.

Arriving back in her apartment she switches on the TV to see that nothing she wants to see is on. She grabs the phone and rings Channel nine.
“Good Evening, Nine Networ….”
“Oi!! Kill Bill!!”
“…..I’m sorry, I missed that..”
“Kill BILL!! Put it on! It goes off.”
“The movie? It’s on at the cinemas…”
“Put Kill Bill on now!! Everyone wants it.”
“That’s not exactly how television works.”
“Well when? Put it on next!”
“I’m going to disconnect this call I’m sorry”
“Yeah, well how about Sex and The City”
“That was on earlier.”
“I wasn’t HERE earlier. Put it on now! Oi!! Hello? Hello?

After an exhaustive combination of pump it up hand gestures and yelling “Sex and The City!!” at the tv for three hours on end, demanding random pushy girl goes to bed and scolds her pillow for being feather down, because she’s allergic to it. She soon drifts off to sleep and dreams of doing ‘pump it up’ hand gestures live on stage to thousands of crying dj’s.

The calls were being made today, and with Sydney being so far ahead of Perth (three hours ) I only had four hours sleep and made myself get up, partly because I was scared I’d miss their call, and partly because I kept having dreams that when they rang, my mobile inexplicably turned into a parrot and flew out the window, which was really freaking me out.

After shuffling around zombie-like for an hour or two, and a couple of foiled attempts at pouring myself a bowl of cereal (my hand eye co-ordination suffers when I’m tired) I started to worry that I hadn’t received a call.

I even held off on having a shower, just in case the phone rang while I was deep pore clean and clear cream cleansing. I know that there have been amazing advances in technology in the past ten years, and that there’s an incredibly handy little invention called voicemail, but I was just too scared that if they couldn’t get me, they’d say ‘well…. let’s just go to our next choice’ and I’d be blacklisted and banned from ever contributing again. Not highly likely, but I like to consider all possibilities.

At about four p.m I decided that I definitely wasn’t one of the lucky ones, and dejectedly zombie-shuffled off to have a shower.

As soon as I’d lathered up, the phone rang. My mobile is set to switch to voicemail after four rings. My heart leapt into my mouth. I flung open the shower screen and tried to run to the phone. This was not a good idea, as I was covered in soap, was very wet, and live in an apartment with polished floorboards.

The thud was enough to make my downstairs neighbour, a huge fan of ‘Donnie Darko’, come sprinting upstairs to see if an airplane had come crashing through my ceiling, causing the opening of a time portal and the appearance of a sinister giant bunny. Needless to say it was hard for her to conceal her disappointment.

My phone showed one missed call, from an unlisted number. They hadn’t left a message. I stood and stared at it, willing them to call back. Nobody did, and after five minutes my neighbour politely suggested I put some clothes on. It was at this point I noticed it was also hard for her to conceal revulsion. So much for six days a week at the gym paying off.

A couple of hours later I received an email from the Mardi Gratians saying ‘thanks but no thanks, extremely high standard this year, please try again for Sleaze ball etc, etc…..’.

I took it really well, insofar that I was completely devastated. I was so devastated, I ate carbs, fats and protein all at the same time for dinner, in completely unmeasured amounts. I was so devastated, when the same unlisted number called again and turned out to be a canvasser for a local gym that had somehow gotten hold of my number, I came pretty close to making young ‘Chantelle in memberships’ cry and want to take her own life. I was so devastated that I drank a 600ml bottle of non-diet coke ™ and didn’t care.

But at least this time I fell over after I’d sent the demo off, and it didn’t involve a staircase or the subsequent destruction of expensive electrical equipment. I’m trying to look on the bright side. As I’ve always said – “If at first you don’t succeed, cry, cry again.”