Tonight I was a superhero for a brief moment, as opposed to my regular vocation of balding dj. I’m not sure if the pay rate is the same, but I did enjoy it. I used my special powers to fight homophobia, making the world a safer place for those of us who mince everywhere and pepper our conversations with a regular burst of ‘oooh, I KNOW!!!’

I was in friendly downtown Northbridge, the nightclub mecca of Western Australia, just about to put the key in the door to my place of employment, the fabulous Connections Discotheque. A twenty-seven year old gay nightclub, if ever there was one.
‘There goes a faggot…’ shouted a voice, ‘into the poofter club’.
Having already had one of those kind of days, my brain reached crisis point, immediately stopped thinking of new ways to serve leek and onion tartlets, and began to form an evil retort.

‘Yeah? Come over here and say that, you piece of shit!!’ I bellowed, projecting beautifully. The man, who was across the street, quickly put his head down and walked off. The combination of my booming voice, perfect diction and smashing outfit must have really scared him.
‘Yeah you’re not so tough now are ya? Fucking dickhead!’ I shouted after him, determined in my own little way to rub in his defeat by having the last word…… after I’d already had the last word.
‘Excuse me.’ came a voice from behind me.
I turned around, ready to let fly with more butch, heroic vitriol. No one was going to tangle with me. I was an intimidating figure.

‘Oh hello OFFICERS!’ I said, cheerfully, while turning an unsightly shade of beetroot red. ‘Were you um, behind me the whole time then?’
They both nodded, one very seriously, the other unable to hide the smirk on his face.
‘So I guess it wasn’t really me that he was scared of then?’ I bleated, grinning feebly.
‘Probably not…’ began the serious one ‘ and I’d get that nasty case of tourettes seen to, if I were you.’

Sergeant Hilarity-Pants, this post is dedicated to you.