On Thursday night I was playing a big gay set at a big gay night in a big straight club. It was early in the night, and only about thirty or so people were on the dancefloor, wiggling their butts to Britney and her bimbette cohorts. In an attempt to retain a minute amount of credibility, I mixed in the new Basement Jaxx tune. Moments later, a cute guy ™ popped his head over the door to the box and asked me if I could play Madonna for him. Now as you have read in the past I have been known to snap, shout, gesture rudely and sometimes throw large inanimate objects at request makers, but only if they’re impolite, pushy or display a lack of oral hygiene. This guy was smiley, polite and minty fresh so I said I would oblige. He thanked me and bounced back to his spot on the dancefloor with his two girlfriends.

I grabbed a remix of ‘Into The Groove’ and was just about to cue it up when I noticed one of the girlfriends had stopped dancing and was glaring at me, hands placed firmly on hips, like some kind of disco hating power ranger. I looked back at her for a moment, decided she was a bit strange (good call) and went back to my mixing. The second I looked down, there was a sharp whistle, and I looked up again to see her still glaring at me, but now with her hands raised in a ‘What the fuck?’ gesture.

My sentiments exactly, I thought, before looking away again.
Another whistle.
I look up again, and she, who shall henceforth be referred to as BWDTBBORWACH (Bitch Who Deserves To Be Backed Over Repeatedly With A Combine Harvester) was still glaring, and had progressed to my all time favourite gesture. Yes folks. She was giving me the ‘pump it up’.

Slightly confused, I mouthed “What?” to her, but she just kept on a-glaring. Her two friends were still dancing next to her, looking slightly embarrassed. Again I tried with the “WHAT??” but recieved no response other than the glare. Her settings seemed to be stuck on ‘bitch-o-matic’.

Starting to get annoyed now, I went back to cueing up Madonna, but the second I looked away, again with the whistle. I caught the attention of the cute guy and motioned him over.

“Sorry, but what’s her problem?”
“Oh, she wants Madonna.”
“Yeah, I’m about to play Madonna”
“I think she wants it now.”
“Mate, you only asked me thirty seconds ago. Give me a chance!”
“I’ll tell her.”
“You do that….”

So that was it. Of course it’s not good enough that I play a track she wants to hear, I have to instantly stop what’s playing and put it on IMMEDIATELY. How silly of me. I was obviously deserving of the whistle and the glare and the bad vogueing. Bad, awful, terrible, naughty me.

A minute later I mixed in the song, and looked up to see the two friends smiling and jumping up and down enthusastically. BWDTBBORWACH was still glaring directly at me. Why couldn’t she just get in her bitchmobile and fuck off back to bitch place, bitchville and leave me to do my job? Of course, as soon as I thought that she walked directly over and stood in front of the box, hands on hips and shaking her head. Great.

“What’s wrong? I thought you wanted Madonna?”
“Not THIS one!!”
“But it’s a Madonna song. Your mate asked for Madonna”
“This is a shit song. You’ve played the worst one”
“Well your mate didn’t specify a non-shit one, I’m terribly sorry”
“Your music’s fucked mate.”
“Yes and you’re just the epitome of beauty and grace, so we’re even”.

And then, thankfully, she stormed off and plonked herself on a stool next to the dancefloor. Her two friends decided to ignore her and continued dancing. Half an hour later the club had filled up, and everyone was dancing away to an assortment of big gay tunes, except for our good friend and musical mentor, BWDTBBORWACH.
I put on ‘Milkshake’ by Kelis, and she suddenly jumped up and started dancing. Luckily I still had my copy of ‘Into The Groove’ handy, and instantly started mixing it in, turning down the bass on the Kelis track so that the vocal from ‘Milkshake’ was running over the top of the music from ‘Groove’. The crowd screamed at the exciting mix. BWDTBBORWACH glared at me and stomped off again, plonking down on the stool with her arms folded.

Fifteen minutes later the same thing, she jumped up to dance, I took out the bass of the track, mixed in the music from ‘Into the Groove’, the crowd yelled, and off she went again. I did this another three times before actually playing ‘Into The Groove’ in it’s entirety, by which time the crowd had been teased with the track so much, they exploded with a huge roar and hands went up in the air the second Madonna started singing. BWDTBBORWACH yelled something that sounded like “Crew ooh ya pat bunt” and stormed out of the club.

An hour later I finished my set, and was walking down the stairs of club’s entry when one of the security guys asked me about BWDTBBORWACH. Apparently she had run down to them and demanded they remove me from the club INSTANTLY. Bit of a theme with her demands it seems. Of course they thought she was mad and decided to ignore her, so she stood in the same spot for twenty minutes with her hands on her hips glaring at them before her friends found her and managed to drag her into a taxi.

For the driver’s sake I hope he got her home IMMEDIATELY. Bitch ain’t waitin’ for NOBODY.