Archive for April, 2010

Dating – There’s a reason it rhymes with Satan. Well, it sort of does..

Having been single for a while, I’m beginning to yearn for some company. A least I think it’s a yearning. It’s a feeling of rampant horniness coupled with the feeling you get when you realise that there’s no one to send out in a downpour to fetch DVD’s for you while you lay on the couch in your Calvins eating toasted bagels. The acronym for the latter is T.F.Y.G.W.Y.R.T.T.N.O.T.G.O.I.A.D.A.F.D.W.Y.L.O.T.C.I.Y.C.E.T.B, so it’s probably easier for all concerned if we just call it a yearning.

The only problem with me having a yearning like this is the fact that I am a total and utter freak magnet. Yes indeed. I manage to unearth the chameleons of gay society. The good-looking, balanced, take- em-home-to-mum types who once taken out of their natural environment and placed at a table opposite me turn into serial morons.

To give you an example, all of the following have been uttered to me on a first date -

“I have to confess – I was due to move interstate the day after I met you, but I cancelled all of my plans just in case this works out..”

“Um…do you want to go to the movies after dinner? My boyfriend locked me out of the house when I told him I was seeing you.”

(whispers)”The waiter knows my wife. Tell him you’re my cousin”

“So, do you have a credit card? What’s your limit on it? Do you always carry it?”

“Oh..would you mind paying for the limo and dinner? I forgot my wallet. Happy Birthday, by the way. Um… you should really tip the waiter. Shall we go back to yours?”

(sighs) “I would have to be the world’s unluckiest man. I just can’t believe that all this shit keeps happening to me and..” (chokes on food, turns blue)

“The interesting thing about the antidepressants was that once they upped the dosage, I then felt suicidal as well as depressed…..(laughs a little bit too hard)….how ironic is that?” (starts crying)

“I only own three cd’s actually……I don’t like music much. I’m into tabletop gaming.”

“I’ve had my eye on you for a while……..So you saw (name of an ex) for two years, and then you got snapped up by (another ex), but that didn’t last long. And then you had a one night stand with (one night stand’s name)…. Do you still live on (street name)??”

“So, does my name get put on the door permanently if I tell them I’m your boyfriend?

“I’m not a racist, BUT……”

“Fat guys like you really turn me on”