Category Archives: personal

Sugar Sugar

I’ve decided that enough is enough and it’s time for me to really put in the hard yards and quit sugar.  WAIT. WHAT?

Thing is, I had a vertical sleeve gastrectomy last year. I’ve since lost 136 pounds (62 kgs).

Being that I have an ‘interesting brain’ (official diagnosis – a bit batshit cray-cray aka OCD – not Tumblr OCD, actual clinically diagnosed OCD) I obsessively followed every guideline I was given and exercised like I was promised a box of cocaine-dusted chocolate donuts at the end of it all. (There wasn’t. Boo and hiss, say I.)

I’m lucky in that my disorder doesn’t effect everything in my life, it’s attached to very distinct rituals. No goats are sacrificed though, I promise, gentle reader.

I’m unlucky in that the disorder sometimes means I get stuck doing things that aren’t ‘do or die’ compulsive rituals yet I have an incredibly hard time breaking away from the habit.

An incredibly hard time as in I will repeat-eat the same thing every day for months, at the same time, in the same portion, bought from the same place. Now, when you’re eating well this becomes an incredibly useful tool. Hence me losing 99% of my excess weight within six months of surgery. HASHTAG MODEL PATIENT, YO.

When your routine breaks, as it did for me, due to something unavoidable like moving house and not having eaten for 18 hours then it can get reset. Mine got reset on a carton of Brownes Iced Coffee, a packet of Allens Retro Party Mix and a Cadbury Marvellous Creations Jelly Poppin’ Candy and Beanies chocolate bar from our local gas station.

I ate these three things, day in, day out from late November through to a couple of days ago. Like a kid that had been given $50 and told to go and get the week’s food from the candy aisle. In my head this was a meal, so when it was mealtime this is what I bought. Simple.

I went from months of having 13g of sugar a day to averaging 350g. Yes, a day.

Exercising has kept weight gain at bay (but it sometimes involved walking up to three hours a day) but it’s clear I’ve been in a bad way and needed to change.

I didn’t put myself through weight loss surgery and 11 months of working towards a goal weight only to become addicted to sweet, sweet, delicious thangs weeks away from reaching it.  Something something self sabotage something something…

Having done a lot of reading and after a chat with both my dietician and my psych (henceforth known as the Sebpocalypse Krush Groove Squad) I’ve decided the ‘cold turkey’ approach is best. Likely due to my being AN OBSESSIVE IDIOT OF HERCULEAN PROPORTIONS.

And I’mma blog about it. Cos maybe someone else understands. Or maybe this will help someone who doesn’t feel that anyone understands.

Unrelated: Day 1 – I think I’m dying. Can’t stay awake. Slept 12 hours, was awake for an hour and slept again for another 6. Then another 3. Head is hurty. I will cut a bitch. Send help.

where’s my effing confetti?

I’m in the second day of a new role at work. I didn’t tell you I was starting this week? I know, I’m sneaky like that. I’ve moved to a different team under the watch of a manager who took really good care of me a couple of years ago. He knows what I’ve been struggling with and he’s great at knowing when things are getting on top of me.

As many people with depression may have experienced, I thought this change was going to switch something in my head and I’d suddenly be feeling different. (Hey, I said I was tall and liked Noodle Box and Dannii Minogue, when did I ever confirm I was realistic?)

I just wanted to share this because maybe there are readers of this blog that may wonder the same. Is a sudden change the fix?

Sometimes it can improve things, certainly. But I’ve had to remind myself all week that depression is an illness that doesn’t go from 100% to 0% overnight. I can honestly say that yes, I am a little saddened to realise that there hasn’t been a noticeable change, (as in, I’ve sat there going ‘WHERE’S MY EFFING CONFETTI AND DANCING GIRLS!?!?!”) I was expecting at least something. Then I found myself realising that I had made an improvement. I’ve removed myself from a situation where things were getting worse. I haven’t headed any further in that direction and that’s really something that should be recognised. And I’m not smart enough to know what changes the next couple of months will bring – this could be the best decision I’ve ever made.

So,for now… um… Hooray for not much? *throws confetti*

an overwhelming response

Thank you so much to everyone who read my last post, forwarded it to people, spoke to their families, peers and students about it, commented on it and embraced it’s message.

It was a challenge to write, and the first time I’ve put the entire experience into words.  Having it then go on to be published in The West Australian blew me away.

Thank you especially to Jason Jordan (@jasonjordan) and my other friends on Twitter for bringing the post to the attention of Louise and Mike from The West and to both them for their kindness and support.

After it’s publication, so many people have left supportive comments for me on this blog and I’ve read every one of them several times over, wanting to respond but being a little overwhelmed with it all at the same time.

I hope in time to reply to each of the responses individually but for now wanted to say one giant, heartfelt, shiny thank you to all of you and to say how lucky the people in your lives are to have you.  There’s some incredible people out there making a difference. You’re pretty damn special. And you made me cry good tears. With the occasional snot bubble.

Thank you.