5:20 am – Alarm goes off. Tumble out of bed and stumble to the kitchen. Pour myself a cup of ambition, yawn and stretch and try to come to life. (Just kidding. Alarm goes off, open one eye, swear under my breath, hit snooze)
5:30 am – As above.
5:40 am – You guessed it. Snoozy snoozerson.
5:53 am – Bolt out of bed in a blind panic, fling self in direction of shower.
6:00 am – Toothbrush engaged! Minty freshness achieved!
6:10 am – Make bed. Hospital corners and all. Get a bit obsessive with the sheet smoothing/pillow arranging. Try to talk self out of it but I’m ignoring me today, apparently.
6:20 am – Take blood sugar levels and adjust with insulin injection. Take meds with giant glass of water. Get dressed for work.
6:30 am – In car. Yawn so hard that water fills my eyes and runs down my cheeks. Decide this is an awesome time to engage early morning Perth traffic.
6:32 am – In traffic. Begin to regret giant glass of water at 6:20 am. Bladder is really, really mad at me. Decide my drag name would be Anita Peenow.
6:47 am – Park in seekrit location. It’s a few minutes walk to work and it’s free. I will never tell you where it is so don’t ask.
6:49 am – Very narrowly avoid slipping on actual banana peel that actual person dropped on actual road no doubt expecting actual comedy hijinks.
6:50 am – Nearly mowed down by angry cyclist as I wasn’t really looking where I was walking as I typed the above sentence into my phone.
6:53 am – Arrive at work. Coffeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
7:00am – Caffeine begins to work. Start feeling alive. Consider being friendly to co-worker. Decide to give it another 20 minutes just to be safe.
7:01am – Checking my emails. Nothing too serious in the old inbox. Nice. Celebrate by selecting new wallpaper.
7:31am – Start work.
8:01 am – Working
8:12 am – More working.
9:25 am – A manager walks by, showing some new staff around our floor. He points at me and tells them I’m a hub of knowledge and can help with most anything. Quickly close the Bananarama fan page website I was looking at and try to look wise yet approachable. End up looking like I have gas. The newbies scurry away quickly.
10:00 am – Morning break. Fifteen minutes of freedom. Cram packet of crisps in gob. Follow it with giant glass of water so that they drown before they reach my stomach and can do no harm. Get excited because I’m so smart. Pretty sure abs will appear any day now.
10:15 am – More working.
10:57 am – Even more working.
11:30 am – Start lunch discussion with best pal via email. It has been decided that I shall purchase sushi and that he will probably have the ham and cheese roll he brought in for lunch because he likes ham and cheese rolls and he went to the effort of making it and bringing it in so may as well etc etc.
11:55 am – Check blood sugars, take insulin.
12:00 pm – LUNCHTIME! Sprint to local Japanese Takeaway (Nippon Fare) and obtain delicious sushi.
12:06 pm – Sitting in lunchroom taking obligatory food photo for uploading to Instagram. Get sprung by one of the engineers who ribs me mercilessly for doing so. Make mental note to break whatever he’s in charge of maintaining when I return to my desk.
12:07 pm – 12:28pm – Lunch with best pal.
12:30 pm – Back at desk. Today has more work than lunch, which doesn’t seem right.
01:30 pm – I started the day with 35 emails in my inbox. Answered 30. There are now 38. Help.
01:45 pm – New co-worker walks past, he is heavily tattooed, with glasses and a shaved head. He smiles at me.
01:46 pm – Google ‘gay wedding planners’. Decide on an October ceremony. Hopefully I find out his name before then, vows could be awkward.
02:20 pm – Afternoon break. Go into staff room – something smells really bad. I vividly describe what combination of events could cause such an odour. Turn to see co-worker looking revolted as he puts his delicious sandwich down and pushes it away. Apologise as he dry-heaves.
02:52 pm – Best pal emails me asking if I’ve had any experience with “Google Analtics”. Am slightly intrigued but decide not to Google this with safe search off. Turns out he meant Google Analytics but you can’t be too careful these days.
03:11 pm – Tattoo man hasn’t walked past again. Or called. Or proposed. Am devastated.
03:40 pm – More working.
03:50 pm – Computer crashes three times. Maybe I should have looked up Google Analtics after all?
04:00 pm – Home Time!
04:24 pm – In car, 80′s soundtrack loaded for the drive home. Arrive home 30 minutes later. Bring in bins for all three apartments because I’m nice like that.
04:40 pm – Sit in front of computer, just for something different. Listen to some music. Song reminds me of an ex. Haven’t seen him since messy breakup in ’96. Decide to Google ex. Find a video of ex giving a lecture at Sydney University. Watch video against better judgement.
04:45 pm – Shouldn’t have watched video. Eat feelings. Delicious, delicious feelings.
05:48 pm – Am hungry again already. Waiting for Coles home delivery. Vow not to eat anything until I have groceries and I can make something healthy. Three seconds later am eating peanut butter out of a jar with a tablespoon.
06:10 pm – Coles delivery arrives! Much happiness! Freak out delivery guy by saying ‘thank you’ with too much enthusiasm too many times in a row. After he leaves I find out I have peanut butter hanging off my chin. I’m so classy.
06:31 pm – Cooking salmon for the first time. Am rather good at it for someone who once accidentally made a ham and asparagus spongecake. Trying to eat better food to help with depression and overall life-livingness so am also having asparagus.
06:35 pm – Check blood sugars, inject insulin.
06:42 pm – Deliciousness abounds. I’m like that chef bloke off the telly that swears at people. Without the chef or telly part though.
06:48 pm – Find self thinking that Cameron Daddo looks well rough in this ad until I discover it’s not actually him.
07:00 pm – Tempt fate by cooking chicken breast for lunch tomorrow. Begin to wonder if I’ve stumbled in to alternate universe when nothing burns, bursts into flames or turns into a spongecake.
07:20 pm – Cleaning the kitchen. Washing the dishes. Will this devil-may-care existence ever end?
07:38 pm – Pyjamas on, collapsed on couch. Doctor Who time – ‘Cold War’
07:55 pm – SQUEEEEEEEEEE!
08:09 pm – OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
08:17 pm – Meh.
08:20 pm – Ooookay then.
08:26 pm – Not bad in the end. See preview for next episode. It looks scary and awesome. Bounce up and down on couch excitedly until it makes odd “SPUNNNGGGG” noise.
08:40 pm – Time to write out this blog!
10:00 pm – Done!
10:30 pm – Check blood sugars, inject insulin (basal dose for overnight maintenance), take night meds.