Week Five


This week’s topic was suggested by @the_helen. What does ‘special’ mean to you? What do you find special about the people and things around you? What makes you special? Whatever happened to politically motivated ska revival band The Specials?

“So…have you met a special friend yet?” asks my Mum innocently, toward the end of our phone call. As always she’s unable to hide of the amount of hopefulness in her voice.

“No Mum”.

“Oh…. Never mind darling…” Her tone has now changed to the one she reserves for having heard devastating news. A news headline screaming “PUPPY ACCIDENTALLY DRIVES CAR FILLED WITH ORPHANED KITTENS OVER CLIFF” would elicit a similar response.

Mum isn’t, of course, meaning ‘special friend’ as a way of enquiring if any of my pals have the ability to shoot laser beams from their armpits or can shape-shift into Debbie Gibson and perform the entire dance routine from ‘Electric Youth’ while hovering two meters above the ground. As a gay man I do encounter more than the usual amount of people wearing lycra and spandex but none have any super powers.

She means: have I met a man I’m interested in? Or more plainly: do I have a boyfriend yet? She just feels awkward saying it. Not that this bothers me.  She’s not aware that when you break it down, ‘special’ friend implies a friend that you share things with that you don’t with your ‘regular’ friends. And of course by ‘share things’ I mean ‘bang the hell out of each other forty ways from Sunday’.

A friendship is an integral part of but isn’t the equivalent of a romantic relationship so by not saying ‘partner’ or ‘boyfriend’ Mum is therefore asking me once a week if I’ve found a fuck buddy yet. Bless her. 64 years old and progressive as all get out, albeit with no awareness of it.

The truth is that I haven’t met anyone or been on a date for well over ten years. No movies, dinners, hugs, hand holding or even a peck on the cheek.

I said PECK, you filthy minded individuals.

My mental health issues are a part of this but back in the early 2000’s when I did go on dates I didn’t exactly have a great track record. I wasn’t so good at filtering out the duds. Let me share with you some choice quotes – all from different men, all uttered on a first date.

“I have to confess – I was due to move interstate the day after I was introduced to you, but I cancelled all of my plans just in case this works out..”

“Um…do you want to go to the movies after dinner? My boyfriend locked me out of the house when I told him I was seeing you.”

(Leans in and whispers)”The waiter knows my wife. Tell him you’re my cousin”

“So, do you have a credit card? What’s your limit on it? Do you always carry it?” – He then drugged me and stole it.  

(sighs) “I would have to be the world’s unluckiest man. I just can’t believe that all this shit keeps happening to me and..” (chokes on food, turns blue)

“I just think that dating will help me get over him. To be honest you’re not my type but I need to try… and… I don’t know. Look, you need to know that I’d do anything to get back with him”

“I only own three cd’s actually. I don’t like music much. I’m into tabletop gaming.”

“I’ve had my eye on you for a while. So you saw (name of an ex) for two years, and then you got snapped up by (another ex), but that didn’t last long. And then you had a one night stand with (one night stand’s name)…. Do you still live on (street name)??”

So can nightclub DJs get peoples names put on the door list permanently?”

(In a Thai restaurant) “The only good thing about (racist slur) is their food.”

“Your cousin is a very good looking guy. I’ve always had a crush on him. Is HE single?”

And of course the chart topper on the bad date hit parade – this guy asked me out for dinner on a Saturday night, which just happened to be the night before my birthday. When I told him this, he turned up in a limousine and took me to C Restaurant. When the bill arrived at the end of the meal he called the driver to come and pick us up, then said:

“Oh… would you mind paying for the limo and dinner? I forgot my wallet. Make sure you give a tip.” And no, he didn’t offer to reimburse me.  He did, however, disappear.

To my credit despite hearing all of the above, I never once choked on my dinner. No matter how hard I tried.

I might start dating again, who knows what the future may bring. I just need some subtle guidance and to have my choices vetted by someone.

Someone like the Police. Or INTERPOL.

bed time

Week Four

“bed time”

This week’s topic is something a little easier: we all go to bed after all. What does bed time mean to you? Is it a relief or a challenge? And end or a beginning? A time for stories, for thoughts, for shutting down? Does ‘bed time’ mean something different entirely to you?

Bed time. Harder to get right than the answer to the time-honoured question ‘Do these sheer micro mini hot pants with split crotch and diamante butterflies make my butt look big?’ (The correct answer, for those who may encounter this is of course: ‘No Greg, you look awesome’).

When I was a wee lad my bed time was strictly 7.30pm. Any later would lead to accusations of being overtired from my parents the next day, regardless of the scenario. It wasn’t quite as bad as the examples below but I seem to recall them using it as an excuse for pretty much anything out of the ordinary that happened.

Example #1: Dad slams car door shut on Seb’s fingers.


Dad (carefully placing severed pinkie in a lunchbox filled with ice): “Stop it. You’re just overtired.”

Example #2: Seb runs past with head on fire, trail of smoke billowing behind him.

Seb: “MuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUuuuuuum!!!”

Mum (without looking up from Mills and Boon novel):“Overtired. 6 o’clock bedtime for you tonight!”

Example #3: A Boeing 747 falls out of the sky and lands directly on Seb.

Seb: (bone crunching squishy sounds)

Parents (in unison): “You’re just overtired and showing off. It’s a nap for you this afternoon, mister!”

After countless years of begging to be allowed to stay up to watch Hart to Hart and Knight Rider my parents finally extended bed time to 8.30pm shortly after my twelfth birthday. This triumph only elevated my status among my friends to ‘second lamest’ in our group, narrowly ahead of Julia Mcgonfrey who had a 9pm bedtime but had a serious social disadvantage in that her parents didn’t own a television. Plus she said ‘Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa’ in a loud voice instead of laughing when something amused her.  Kid was weird.

When I moved out of home I cautiously extended my bedtime to 9.30pm which I hoped managed to reflect my new found independence while still affording me the protection a good night’s sleep offered from the car doors, fireballs and rogue aircraft that I feared being overtired would attract.

The following year I discovered nightclubs, shift work, drinking until 2 Unlimited’s lyrics became deeply meaningful and a rather handy trick –  completely blocking sunlight out of your bedroom by lining the inside of a window with foil.

Bed time then became whenever I collapsed in a twitching heap, if not directly on a mattress then at least in a park within three minute’s walk of my house.

Sleep lasted anything from four hours to twenty, dependent on my ability to grab and set the alarm clock as it spun around the room after a night of drinking my body weight in vodka doing volunteer work at the local cat shelter.

After decades of sleeping patterns that would test the mettle of the most hardened late night infomercial enthusiast, I returned to a day job with early morning starts and a requirement to be pleasant to the people I encountered from the moment I set foot in the workplace.

In theory this doesn’t sound very difficult but the reality of only having half your brain wake up after the alarm blasts the song of it’s people at 5am means you have to lumber sideways like a crab as you attempt to bathe then dress, using your (then) only functioning arm. The other half wakes up when you pass out momentarily getting into your car and your forehead hits the horn at full blast in your remarkably acoustic garage.

Once entering the office any attempt at communication – pleasant or otherwise – results in you emitting a strangled croak as a lone cornflake falls from your cheek and lands elegantly between two keys on your manager’s keyboard.

Not only did I have to battle this, I constantly have to factor in that depression and anxiety would also be along for the ride.  After an increased incidence of swearing at my screen, frustrated man-tears and the sudden onset of flailing Muppet arms at work recently I resolved to try setting a bed time for myself in 2013.

Of course, weekends are still for sitting up until bitch, is you crazy? o’clock. There’s no better time for arguing with people on the internet and searching new YouTube videos of people scaring the shit out of Taylor Swift.

My weeknights however now have a strict 10.30pm lights out followed by a 6am wake-up. Seven and a half hours of blissful slumber.

This is interrupted only by my diabetes’ insistence that my body make the equivalent a 44-gallon drum of urine every four hours which then requires a one-eye-open zombie stumble to the bathroom. It’s incredibly annoying but it does finally allow me to rid myself of the recurring dream that I’m being being soaked by a giant purple chicken holding a garden hose. My subconscious early-warning piss-the-bed system is fucking insane.

I’m happy to report that the early bedtime is working for me – better than I could have imagined in fact. Mentally I feel better prepared for the day ahead and I haven’t arrived at work sporting a steering wheel mark across my forehead since late December.

I even tested the effectiveness of my new routine by staying up until 12am one Thursday night and the following day had my worst panic attack in over a year. I couldn’t breathe properly and was shaking so badly that my chair threatened to shuffle across the call centre with the momentum of an off-kilter washing machine.

That was the only time I broke my self enforced ‘rule’ and I’m not going to be testing it out again in a hurry. (And no, I won’t do your laundry)

Yes, I may have to finally concede that my parents were right and Julia Mcgonfrey probably out-ranks me in the coolness stakes but a set bed time that allows me a little more mental breathing space coupled with a notable reduction in unexpected Muppet arms makes it more than worth it to me.

Goodnight, all.

(*thud* *snore*)


Week Three


This week’s topic was chosen by Kate Dzienis. What does rescue mean to you? Do you need it? Can you offer it? Does it make you want to dress in Hi Vis and lurk by the roadside?

As always I look forward to finding out* …

(* not about the Hi Vis: keep your deranged personal fantasies to yourself!)

Don’t try to rescue people. Help them, by all means, but never try to rescue them. There’s a big difference.  I learned this lesson twelve years ago in the most painful of ways. Kick in the nuts every half hour for a month type of painful.

Did that visual make you shift uncomfortably in your seat? You’re welcome.

David was a good friend of mine. I’d met him when I was 17 and working in a record store. He was a DJ at one of the city’s biggest clubs and he came in every week to go through our new vinyl.

I was obsessed with House music and spent three nights a week at the venue he played for. Over that time I’d perfected the running man, the stomp and the strange little hand movements that were a hangover from the acid house heydays and were now part of rave culture.

When I saw him walk into the shop one Tuesday afternoon I shoved a co-worker into a sale rack of cassette singles in my hurry to dash over to offer assistance, all the while doing my best to look like I didn’t give a damn and was pretty much too cool to be there.

This was of course the internationally recognised default setting for staff working in independent record retailers and I did it well, aside from my first few weeks there, where I ended up looking like I was trying to hide my need to do a particularly loud belch by letting it escape through my nostrils.

After a few visits we became pals and at the club I was even permitted to stand with him in the DJ box a couple of times, gaining ultimate bragging rights. David was also responsible for hooking me up with my first set of secondhand DJ turntables, allowing me to learn to mix and ultimately beginning a journey that lead to me being a full time club DJ myself, seven years later.

David was still one of the busiest and most in-demand DJs around when the owner of the club I was resident at asked him to come and work with us. He fitted in perfectly and soon had our late Saturdays packed until we closed the doors at 6am.

One night he was really late for his shift – he wasn’t the most punctual of people – most DJs aren’t – but he arrived an hour late, looking extremely troubled.  Something had happened to him, and it was bad. He took over the decks from me, handed me my record and said nothing. It was clear that conversation wasn’t on offer so I packed up my crates and left for the night.

The next day the club owner called me and filled me in. David’s life had been threatened by a club promoter after a gig they’d worked together on had lost money. A lot of money. They’d verbally agreed on who would cover venue hire, DJ fees and advertising and all went well until they had a poor turnout and suddenly the arrangement changed.

The promoter now wanted David to pay for everything and informed him of this by sending some large and frightening men to his house. Men with nicknames like ‘Big Mental Ian’, ‘Ripper’ and ‘Stabby’. Men that had been back every day since as a gentle reminder. David had sent his girlfriend Marie to stay with a mutual friend of theirs called Mark and their housemate went to stay with his sister so David was in the house alone. The stress was such that he couldn’t bring himself to eat and he was only sleeping a couple of hours at a time.

David was my friend, so I immediately offered to have him come and stay with me. Nobody knew where my apartment was and I lived alone. If we made sure only the club owner and I knew David was there he’d be safe until he could find somewhere more permanent.

He moved in the next day and within a few hours I started to see him look more like his old self. He offered to pay rent and a share of the bills but I suggested he put the majority of his earnings to paying his debt to the promoter. We were both bringing home around $1500 a week at that time so having him there didn’t impact me that much financially.

A few days later David had spoken with the promoter and made an arrangement to clear the outstanding amount over the next 10 weeks. He picked up an extra shift at the club and after his other outgoings (mainly taxis and records) would be left with enough to buy food. He was visibly relieved and I felt a lot more comfortable having him stay knowing that this was being taken care of.

He was a great guest. Always up for a chat, but also respectful of my personal space, he kept things tidy and was considerate enough to replace anything he noticed we ran out of.  He helped me re-organize my record room and best of all brought his computer over and set up my first dial-up internet account and email address for me.

Because there was still a niggling worry that the promoter would change his mind and arrange a visit from his goons we didn’t tell anyone where my apartment was, even Marie. David went to visit her regularly instead and she seemed happy enough where she was.

About 5 weeks into our arrangement Marie called David in tears. She’d accidentally broken something belonging to Mark. He’d flown into a rage and tried to choke her, just flipped out. I could hear her sobbing spilling out of the earpiece as David tried to calm her down.

I offered to drive David over so we could pick her up. He said he didn’t want to put me out further by having her stay, but would really appreciate if we could go and get her. Right now he just wanted to see her and move her out of Mark’s house.

We got in my car and headed to the other side of the city. We pulled into the driveway of the house and Marie was standing there waiting for us, her suitcase next to her. She was still shaking and had large red welts across her face and neck.

I helped her into the car while David loaded the suitcase in the trunk. Mark had gone out so we were able to get her out of there quickly – a relief for me but I could tell that David was getting angrier by the second. He didn’t want to go back to the apartment. He wanted to wait for Mark to return and confront him.

Marie and I managed to calm him down enough to get back in the car so I could drive us all home.

Once we got back they talked in David’s room for an hour or before Marie asked me to drive her to the police station so she could make a statement and press charges against Mark.

David wanted to go with her but she insisted he stay in the apartment, which I thought was a bit odd, but she said that hearing her recount what happened would just make him angrier and she didn’t want to “…put him through that”.

She started to tear up again when he tried to change her mind so we drove to the local station without him. When we got there she asked that I go home again and told me that she would find her own way back.  I offered to wait but she told me to leave.

I watched her walk into the station and started to drive off. Just before I turned the corner looked in my rear view mirror and saw her walk straight back. I thought about turning around and going back but then realised she must have been scared and just needed time on her own. Perhaps she didn’t want to go to the police and David had insisted. So I went home and didn’t mention it.

If David was the perfect guest, Marie was the opposite. She spent the whole day in her pyjamas, left dirty plates, food wrappers and tissues everywhere and slept on the couch from midday until early evening so we couldn’t make any noise without her waking up and complaining about it.

After two weeks of this I came home to find half a packet of uncooked spaghetti scattered over the kitchen floor, milk that I’d bought the previous day left out on the counter so it was warm and two dirty tissues sitting on the sink, one with blood on it. There was a wet towel dropped in the hallway next to a giant clump of hair that looked like it had just been pulled out of a hairbrush and further along, a patch of vomit that looked to have been there for most of the afternoon.

Neither David nor Marie were there. I was so disgusted I shut myself in my room until I heard David come in a couple of hours later. He apologised profusely and cleaned everything up, saying that Marie had a terrible problem with depression and that he was going to get her some help.  He was horrified that she would do this to my home and offered to move out.

I told him that as long as they were both respectful guests they could stay but if anything like this happened again they’d both have to go.

It was one of the most uncomfortable conversations I’d ever had – here was someone I’d known for close to decade doing his best to get through one of the worst times of his life and I was complaining about his girlfriend who was clearly having some kind of breakdown.

Marie returned home that night and went straight to bed without saying anything to me. For the next week it was like she wasn’t even there. I didn’t see her once and the apartment remained immaculate.

Then… she vanished. One afternoon I got in to find her suitcase had disappeared along with David’s wallet, my watch and about $150 in change I was keeping in my wardrobe.

David was devastated and neither of us could work out why she would do this. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little relieved she had gone but I mostly felt bad for my friend. We rang around some friends but nobody had seen or heard from her.

After a couple of days David’s upset turned to anger. He stopped looking for her – there were rumours among his friends that she had moved back in with Mark – and instead focused on finding a place of his own to live as he only had two more payments to make to the promoter.

True to his word he found a one-bedroom place, paid off his debt and moved out.  He left me an envelope with money to cover the change Marie had stolen, as well as his share of the bills even though I’d told him he didn’t need to.

I felt a sense of relief, for both having the apartment back to myself and that Marie was out of his life.  He was a good guy and didn’t deserve to be dragged down by whatever it was she had going on.

Life returned to normal for both of us until a month or so later. I was playing a gig at a local bar and after I’d finished my set I stepped out of the DJ console to see Marie smiling at me. She rather unexpectedly gave me a huge hug and then apologised for everything, saying she had been under an incredible amount of stress at the time. I told her I understood but I didn’t have anything to say to her.

Her eyes welled up and she told me she had taken the money and the watch and gone to a hospital for treatment. Now she was better and wanted to make amends. She told me she had my watch and wanted to give it back, along with my house key. I felt a dull thud in the pit of my stomach as I realised she’d copied the key I’d given to David without me knowing. I made a mental note to get the locks changed.

I grabbed my records and followed her outside to a parked car. Sitting in the driver’s seat was a scary looking unshaven man with a long ponytail. She introduced us.  It was Mark.  He shook my hand and passed me my watch and two keys. One for the deadbolt and one for the window locks. I hadn’t given David the window key. The only copy was on my key ring. What the hell had this bitch been playing at?

Marie asked if I knew where David was. Straight away I knew not to tell her and said he’d found a place but I didn’t know where.  Anger flashed across her face but she forced a smile and said she understood. I said goodnight and walked to my car.

I sent David a text letting him know what happened and he said he was sorry and thanked me for not passing on his details.

When I got home I called a locksmith and paid him an extortionate amount of money to change the door and window locks.

At 4am that morning I received a text message from an unknown number.

You fucking filthy faggot. You’re dead.

40 more messages came through in the next hour with similar threats.

Just after 5am someone threw a brick through my bedroom window.  I called the police and told them about the visit I received from Marie earlier and gave them the address of Mark’s house.

David had received a similarly disturbing amount of text messages and we arranged to meet up and lodge a restraining order at the police station. In the time it took to get there, we’d both received so many messages our phones were full.  They were similar in content, all sent from four different numbers.

While I was speaking to the officer at the desk, one of the numbers flashed as an incoming call on my screen.

I started to shake and had trouble catching a breath so David took me outside. The officer took my phone and answered it, identifying himself. The caller hung up.

The police wrote out our statements and used some software to download copies of the messages. We were told that both Marie and Mark would be served with temporary restraining orders in the next 48 hours and that the officers serving them would contact us once they had been passed on. We would have to be especially vigilant in the days following as most people react badly to receiving an RO and were likely to try to retaliate.

Within ten days, Mark had been to my apartment six times with various other people, kicking at the front door as I hid on the floor of my bedroom and I had received close to 100 more threatening text messages. The police had not been able to serve the restraining orders because they couldn’t find either of them.

Messages now started coming from a larger range of numbers, late into the night, telling me that someone was waiting outside followed by the sound of shoes running up the front steps and something banging against my window.

The most frightening text came the same afternoon the police had called to say they’d finally tracked down Marie and Mark and served the RO’s on them..

The text was from a number I hadn’t seen before. It misspelt my name and purported to be from someone who knew what I ‘had dun to Marie’ and that he and his mates were going to ‘serve justice on you fag’. It went on to say ‘u wake up with your throat slit’. Then they sent another text with my address and ‘front left window – bedroom’.

I spent the next three hours moving all the furniture out of the front rooms, leaving the blinds and curtains open. I moved all my plants from the balcony into the bathroom and I took the light bulbs out of every room so I wouldn’t accidentally switch on a light.  I went and explained to my neighbours what had happened and they agreed to say I had moved out if anyone asked.

I left a flattened cardboard box, some newspaper and a broom in the bedroom so anyone looking in would be given the impression that I really had moved out, then went to a friend’s house and spent the night.

Sure enough the messages started up again at 3am, saying that my having moved wouldn’t stop them from finding me and that they’d track both David and I down and make us pay for ‘what we did’.

David and I went to the police the next day to report the restraining order having been broken but none of the texts we could show them came from Mark or Marie’s phones so we had no proof.

We spoke with one of the officers at length about our options and he said that in cases like this it was the thrill of knowing their intimidation was working that kept people like this going.

The fact that they still didn’t know where David lived and thought I had moved was good.  They had also had ample opportunity to come to the club and wait after work for us but hadn’t. He recommended we both change our numbers and wait to go to court, where Mark and Marie would have a chance to challenge the restraining order. If they didn’t show up and we presented our evidence a Judge would extend it.

Both of our phones buzzed with messages the whole time we discussed this so we decided it would be in the best interests of our mental health to call our respective providers to have new numbers issued.

For the next two months I parked my car three blocks away from the apartment, just as a precaution. I only ended up sleeping in the back room for a week then moved back to the main bedroom but was careful to never open the blinds or curtains and I spent a lot of time visiting friends.

During that period Mark and Marie replied to the restraining orders saying they were going to challenge them. I couldn’t believe it. I felt sick to my stomach at the thought of being in the same room as them.

The court date arrived and I David met at his house. When we arrived at the courthouse the poor guy had to do his best to help me keep it together as I was shaking uncontrollably.

We sat at the back of the room with the other people having cases heard that day. We were eventually called up and we sat down behind a long desk to the Judge’s left. There was no sign of the other two.

My sense of relief was short lived as a clerk entered the room with them in tow. They were just late. Mark was wearing an ill fitting, shiny grey suit and had shaved his head, the resultant look presenting him as much more of a drug dealer than he had perhaps intended. Marie looked thin, pale and absolutely wired.

Her appearance certainly explained why so much of the aggressive activity occurred in the early hours of the morning. She was the new ‘face’ of meth. I turned to look at David who was just staring at her with a look of disgust.

After they were seated, Marie took one look at me, threw her head down on the desk and started wailing. The Judge looked concerned and the clerk rushed over to see if she was okay.

“It’s just..” she squeaked between sobs “it’s so painful to see them after all of this. They ruined my life and I… it’s just … I don’t even have any parents or anything..” She then rested her head in her hands and proceeded to caterwaul like a three year old who’d just fallen off a swing.

David and I exchanged a ‘What the hell?’ look as tissues were brought over and the Judge asked her gently if she felt she could continue. David leaned over and whispered that Marie did, in fact, have parents. They had filed a restraining order against her and Mark around the time we did.

Marie bleated a feeble ‘yes’ and the Judge asked me to sit in the box next to him. In small cases like this the people involved cross-examine each other, and it was their turn with me first.

As soon as I sat down, Marie stood up and loudly said “Right, then!”. There wasn’t a single trace of the trauma she was apparently experiencing seconds earlier. And her eyes were perfectly dry.

She asked me a series of questions about David, none of which made much sense but I did my best to answer. Obviously not getting the responses she’d hoped for, she then switched tack, asking the same question phrased slightly differently over and over until the Judge asked her if she knew what repeating something ‘ad nauseam’ meant, then explained she was asking an identical question ‘to the point of nausea’.

Marie then pulled a manila folder out of her bag with ‘EVIDENCE’ written across it in red marker.

She waved it at David and said ‘I have your birth certificate in here, you don’t want me to show it’.  The Judge told her he didn’t tolerate his time being wasted and asked her to sit down. Marie burst into tears while Mark looked furious.

Their plan must have made more sense at 3.30am through a misty crack haze.  David and I then got to tell the Judge our side of the story and we submitted a printout of the messages we’d been sent, with a log of the times they’d visited my apartment.

When they were asked to take the stand so we could cross-examine them, they declined. Marie now looked completely terrified.

Thankfully the Judge saw everything clearly and gave both of them a thorough dressing down, warning them that breaking the RO would mean fines and possible jail time. He did a good job because neither of us received contact from them again.

After we left the courts David and I went out to lunch to celebrate the RO being upheld.  Unfortunately this was was the last time I spent any quality time with him. I certainly didn’t blame him for anything that happened but just didn’t feel comfortable enough to continue our friendship past the occasional ‘hello’ when one of us took over from the other at the club.

At lunch he told me he’d found out from an ex-friend of Marie’s that she had started a relationship with Mark long before the trouble with the promoter and he had gotten her hooked on speed, then meth. Also that her drug use had escalated so much in recent months that they thought she would be dead before the year was out.

She had been telling people that we had beaten her up, stolen all her money, then thrown her out of the house – even stating that we’d started a gay relationship and that David and I had possibly given her AIDS.

Mark had a lot of ‘acquaintances’ and anyone who came to the house encountered this frail, crying, waif who tearfully told the tale of these two disgusting men that had ruined her life.  It was little wonder that the threats came from so many different numbers.

Twelve years on I still don’t like phones and I freeze when I hear an unexpected knock at the door.

Be there for people by all means but don’t invite their crazy into your home.  If you try to rescue someone from a situation they created they’ll just create it again and again and add you as a supporting cast member.

And no friendship is worth that.

**The names of people mentioned in this post have been changed to protect their identities.


Week Two


Our optional topic for week two comes from Candii_date, who submitted the first post for week one.

What does the word voices say to you (see what I did there?!)? Looking forward to reading the posts on this one …

I had a voice when I was younger. Not a “This is my point of view and I will be heard, fight the power, Bananarama plastic lunchboxes with bonus ‘Cruel Summer’ thermos for all” kind of voice. A singing voice. And a damn good one, if I do brag so myself.

My father was a very talented singer and guitarist (he played Saturday nights in a cover band at the local Chinese restaurant – two 30 minute sets and all the chicken fried rice he could eat) and my mother’s Aunt used to play live piano as the soundtrack to silent films in the local theatre.

Based on this evidence you can clearly see that I’m part of an international musical dynasty and should probably be in the Pussycat Dolls.

Knowing this, it wasn’t such a surprise when as a youngster I discovered a talent for belting out ‘Knock on Wood’ and happily performed it with my two younger cousins on our front verandah with tinsel curtaining strapped to our heads for that oft-copied silver and red hairdo look that was so ‘in’ at the time. Especially in rural Western Australia circa 1979.

All I can say about the response from the neighbourhood boys was that I feel that I was robbed of my rightful place in the Guinness Book of Records for ‘fastest land speed record while sprinting with four foot long tinsel curtain sticky-taped to forehead.’ But I digress.

In primary school I joined the choir and received my first taste of fame when Mrs Smith the music teacher told my classmates I had one of the most beautiful soprano voices she’d ever heard, and that it was a pleasure to be teaching such a talented young lady.

I threw my Kermit the frog pencil case at Greg Mansell, who was laughing so hard he accidentally farted, the smell of which caused Kaylene Meadows to scream and run to the opposite corner of the classroom where she started crying and dry retching. After experiencing the noxiousness of a 9-year-old boy’s post-lunch fart (Greg would often be seen wolfing down garlic meatball sandwiches) I’d be very surprised if Kaylene didn’t grow up to be a lesbian.

As revenge I called Mrs Smith ‘Mr Smith’ for the rest of the term until my little act of rebellion was halted by a letter safety-pinned to my jumper as I left for the day, requesting a parent-teacher meeting.

Throughout primary school I performed as part of the main choir and a lead soprano for years.  We toured the neighbouring towns and entered competitions in the city – where we once came 14th, such was our hunger for glory.

The recognition (mostly from Mrs Orbinski in the school canteen), the constant partying (pretty sure we had sponge cake once) and the early bedtimes (I’d be cranky and start showing off if i didn’t get 10 hours sleep) had their appeal but I craved more.

I wanted the spotlight. And not just the one I tried to create by balancing a large torch between the door frame and a slightly ajar door in my bedroom. It had lasted all of two minutes anyway because Mum walked in to tell me ‘Hart to Hart’ had started on TV and caused the precariously placed torch and the large hardcover Disney annual I’d sat it upon to fall on her head and bare foot.She’s my Mum and I love her but even when assisted by excruciating pain she couldn’t hit a high C to save herself. Even while screaming “JESUS FUCK!!” which surely opened up the diaphragm enough to allow her a pretty good shot at it.

My chance at vocal stardom came in the last year of primary school when a cover band from the city called ‘What A Life’ put on an all ages gig at the local football oval.

They played pop covers and were fronted by a lovely young woman with a giant backcombed hairdo who captivated me with her white blouse, high heels and ra-ra skirt. Why didn’t I have a ra-ra skirt? I looked down angrily at my pastel yellow parachute pants, cursing them for robbing me of the successful musical career that I so clearly deserved.

Halfway through the concert the band announced a competition to find the best singer in Merredin. All we had to do was go to the side of the stage during the break and talk to them for the chance to perform live with ‘What A Life’, Western Australia’s 22nd most popular cover band!

My friend Rebecca Westall turned to me said “You shou-”

But I had already run off.

I was so excited as I bolted toward the front of the crowd I knocked over Narelle Pantaleone’s uncle Joe who I later saw pointing at me and asking his niece if she knew “…who that rude girl was”.I didn’t care. This was my shot at getting out of this half horse town and nobody’s frighteningly moustachioed relative was going to get in my way.

Four of us had made our way to the designated spot where the guitarist and singer stood waiting. One of the boys in my class, who I knew wasn’t as good a singer as me wanted to do ‘Dancing In The Dark’ by Bruce Springsteen.  He sang a few lines as the guitarist plucked along on his guitar and it was decided he would go first.

The next candidate, a girl wearing far  too much perfume on that didn’t cost anywhere near enough couldn’t choose a song and her friend who only seemed to be there for moral support dragged her away complaining she wanted to go back to pashing Mackenzie Millard and that the band were “..all rank pricks”.

Now we were down to two. I smirked to myself as I totally had this in the bag. I was going to be totally mintox.

No doubt an international record producer had just at this moment arrived in Merredin, a wheat and sheep farming community, in search of the next Boy George.He would of course just happen to be walking past when I performed, discover my undeniable talent and whisk me off to somewhere amazing like Scunthorpe in the UK, where my Aunty Lola lived.

I pictured myself smiling zanily with bright red spiked hair on the cover of ‘Smash Hits’ holding my platinum album. I wondered how many albums I would have to sell to go platinum. Probably 500 or so. Wow. I could be the next Michael Jackson. A world class superstar. Then Tom Bailey from the Thompson Twins would fall in love with me and we’d get married and live next door to Madonna in our 400 bathroom mansion in the centre of Scunthorpe.

The singer from ‘What A Life’, interrupted my plotting by asking me which song I’d like to sing with the band. I knew right away it had to be ‘King For A Day’ by the Thompson Twins.  She looked at me blankly.

“Anything else?”

“Oh, it has to be ‘King For A Day’. It suits my voice perfectly. I can sing it much better than anyone in Merredin and it’s by my favourite band the Thompson Twins and I have their poster on my science folder so I think I should sing it”

“I don’t think I know that one. Can you sing a bit of it?”

Ah. An audition. I’d read about this in Number One magazine. Even Duran Duran had made people audition before deciding on a final line up. I knew how the industry worked. I was twelve, after all and had all of Kim Wilde’s albums on tape.

I sang the chorus as the guitarist and singer leaned in and listened. They looked at each other and shrugged.

“Sorry, we don’t know it. Do you know A-ha? We can play “Take On Me” and I can sing it with you” offered the guitarist, helpfully “It worked really well at our last gig at the Mukinbudin Pub.”

“I don’t know the words to ‘Take On Me!!! You don’t know KING FOR A DAY? HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW KING FOR A DAY. IT’S NUMBER SEVEN ON ‘COUNTDOWN’!!” I replied, with several tonnes a pinch of petulance.

“Look, I think I know the song, but the band haven’t learned it yet.” Said the singer. “We have lots you can pick from… we haven’t played ‘Like A Virgin’, or ‘Nutbush City Limits…”

My eyes started to fill with tears. They were ruining my opportunity.

“Hey, don’t get upset, love…” said the guitarist.

Oh great. Was there anyone in the known universe that didn’t think I was a girl?

“Come over here with me and try and teach me the chords and we’ll work something out.”

Well, at least being mistaken for the opposite gender it was working out in my favour for once.  And it didn’t seem to hurt Boy George’s career. Or Marilyn’s. I mean… he was going to be huge!

We walked over to the outside of the change rooms. He leaned against the wall and strummed along as I sang the song from start to finish twice.

“Okay, I think we can work with this. It won’t sound exact but we’ll follow you and do the best we can.”

So it was going swimmingly. But of course, being a young gay boy who had spent his singing career being told how wonderful he was, I had push it that little bit further.

“Thank you. I just know I can do this song better than anyone else…. even her!” I said, gesturing over to their singer. “But eventually I want to write my own songs and be really famous. Otherwise I’ll just end up stuck singing at places like… well… here.”

There was a beat as the guitarist’s smile dropped. “One sec.”

He walked over to the singer and talked to her for a minute or so, then came back.

“We’re on in 20 minutes. We’ll announce you and then you come up and sing your song, okay?”

“Okay, thanks! Hey, I hope you didn’t think I was being rude, it’s just that some people sing things better than other people, I mean she’s good as well but I do sing this better than anyone else…”

He gave me a look that I didn’t quite understand and walked away.

True to his word, in 20 minutes time the band were on stage and my Springsteen loving classmate was called up to bleat his way through a mostly off-key version of ‘Dancing in the Dark’.

He didn’t know much more than the chorus so just kept repeating the same parts over and over. I stood there congratulating myself. The title of ‘Merredin’s Best Singer’ was mine and I hadn’t even performed yet.

The band finished and the crowd gave him a wildly enthusiastic cheer.

The singer announced my name and called me up. I ran up the steps and took my place behind the mic. A sea of faces stared at me. I wondered momentarily which one was the international record producer before I spotted Rebecca beaming at me and waving.

I didn’t want to look amateurish so I ignored her. I was sure she understood. This was too important a moment for me to appear anything but completely professional.

The drummer hit his sticks together four times then launched into a furiously fast beat.

I froze completely.

The keyboards kicked in. It was ‘Take On Me’.

Why were they playing ‘Take On Me’? I didn’t know the words to ‘Take On Me’. I didn’t want to take on ‘Take On Me’.

Instead of singing I just stood there petrified. I looked over at Rebecca, who appeared confused. Her head slowly sank into her shoulders and she folded her arms.

I looked over at the guitarist, who was smiling again, but now with smug satisfaction.

I looked over at the singer.  She made the international symbol for ‘Come on then – sing something, you oddly androgynous little shit!’

So I did. I sang the words to ‘King For A Day’ by the Thompson Twins. To the tune of  ‘Take On Me’.

It was not mintox. It was in fact, the complete opposite of mintox. This performance was about to drain the world of all its mintox-ness.

Rebecca’s facial expression had now changed from confusion to abject horror, as I ran out of room while trying to fit the words I was singing into the music of a completely different, much faster song.

“If I was king for just one day, I would giiiive it all awayIWOULDGIVEITALLAWAYTOBEWITHYOUUUUUUUUU”

“Diamond rings, and all thosethingsTHEYNEVERSPARKLELIKEYOURSMILEEEEEE!”

The singer was laughing now. I was purple with embarrassment. Rebecca had now decided that giving me gentle encouragement would help so she started clapping along. When nobody joined in she decided this was actually a bad idea and developed a sudden interest in her shoes.

After what seemed like forever but was probably less than a minute the singer grabbed the mic from the stand and took over, singing the rest of ‘Take On Me’ to approving cheers – possibly of relief – from the crowd.

Too scared to move, I stayed there with my hands in my pockets until the end of the track.  The singer asked for a round of applause for me.

“At least……. “ she paused to look me up and down “…he? gave it a good go”.

I tried to set fire to her with my mind but only managed to make my face even more purple so I decided to flounce off the stage.I didn’t turn back to look but I’m pretty sure I heard the guitarist still laughing to himself.

Bastard. I hope he ended up in a Wa Wa Nee tribute band. And if there was any justice in the world the singer had to give up on music and ended up scrubbing toilets – ironically using a brush fashioned in her 80’s hair likeness.

Four years later my voice broke and I found I couldn’t sing any more. My soprano register had slowly disappeared when I was thirteen but it appeared that the gift of no longer being mistaken for my Mum when I answered the phone meant that I couldn’t hold a note at all.

Not that it mattered. I still ended up with a career working with music, albeit as a DJ. And I’m still fairly certain that all those years ago, ‘What A Life’ and I invented the world’s first mash-up.

(I expect the royalties are still in the mail).